14 year old Alessia Lauletta-Hernandez was arrested last night and charged with sixteen accounts of Bum Serclery, the criminal act of sticking a finger up someone’s rectum. One of Lauletta-Hernadez’s victims was foreign secretary Elizabeth Truss- Truss was stepping out of her limo when Lauletta attacked. Eye-witnesses state that Lauletta-Hernandez could be seen crawling though the crowd on her stomach ‘like some sort of reptile’. According to key witnesses she hissed at anybody who tried to come into contact with her and took short periodic breaks from her crawling to bite the feet of innocent onlookers. One victim of the biting states ‘it was more of a gentle nibble. I think she has a foot thing’.
Her trial is taking place today in the Royal Courthouse. Alessia had been interviewed by our team before she entered the trial. She told us that she, and I quote, ‘has no ragrets’ and then sharted aggressively. She proceeded to call our interviewers her ‘bitches’ and was dragged into the courthouse whilst screaming a touching rendition of Ed Sheeran’s ‘Shape Of You’. Alessia was found guilty on all charges of Bum sercling. She admitted to twelve but said ‘the rest didn’t even count as I didn’t even get to rummage around a bit before I was caught’. She has also been given additional charges of stealing a police officers taser and tasing everyone in sight. Her parents can be seen sobbing outside the courthouse- her mother is so distraught all she could say was ‘at least she was arrested doing the thing she loved’.