President Joe Biden has just signed SB2022-10325 into law. Astonishingly, a bipartisan unanimous vote in the Senate and the House of Representatives sent the bill directly to the White House for Presidential consideration.
“It’s time for ALL [stated with emphasis on ‘all’] Americans to stop worrying about their pets’ next meals during this pandemic! I’ve worked damn hard to make sure Fido and Spike and all those other dumbass-named dogs have some security. As of today, I declare all canines in the United States as full citizens.”
Under the bill, each canine member of your family will receive a check made out to them. Since the Federal Government doesn’t keep records of number of canines in a household, each check is being sent ‘blank’ and each dog is asked to write in how many dogs are in their family, then write in the amount. Experts mostly agree that using the ‘honor system’ is asinine in these troubled times as so many are desperate for bacon and good-boy-for-pooping-outside treats.
Inevitably, the experts agree, that up to 50% of all canine citizenry will be dishonest and that could lead to charges of fraud… which carries a penalty of up to $10,000 in fines or up to three years in prison.
It’s still unclear if those penalties will be measured in human-years or dog-years.