New Sexual Disease Discovered

This morning, reports came out about a Branchburg teen, Tyler Scofield, 16 years old, contracting so-called “Mega-Herpes” from having sexual intercourse and interactions with monkey pussy. We believe that these reports are true and advise everyone to keep yourself and your loved ones away from this individual. The Center for Disease Control, CDC, is advising a global quarantine similar to the COVID-19 Coronavirus pandemic. Mega-Herpes has been observed to be highly contagious thus it is advised to wear a mask and/or face covering if you need to leave the safety of your home for food and water. President Joseph Robinette Biden is promising a $400 stimulus check within the coming months to make up for those who will be unable to work during these times.

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