Eamonn Richards a 32 year old social care worker from Kenilworth ran his personal best half marathon time at an admirable pace of 1 hour 43 minutes. However his jubilations were cut short by being beaten by perceived group retard Jack Haywood who pulled in an astonishing debut time of 1:40 a whole 3 minutes faster than running veteran Richards.
Richards had this to say “Jacks taller, thinner and less hungover than me. And a better runner by all accounts”. Initially pleased with his performance it was clear from the shit he took that Richards just didn’t take the event seriously enough.
Haywood’s only notable sporting achievement to date is consistently beating white collar boxing champ and project manager of confectionary Steve Harrison on Kavos’s esteemed boxing machines had this to say. “Buzzing with my time, I really feel for Eamonn, but it’s a shame because he’s made running his thing.”
Questions on Eamonn’s retirement from running have been circling in the press, but pundits and commentators alike are now talking more about Haywood’s meteoric rise on the running circuit. Competition is due to heat up once the countries period of mourning is over and Theo “lazy bastard” Loughton a 32 year old Sloth from the goonies impersonator can compete too. Stay tuned for the next event.