Coach Jim Harbaugh was elated with his team’s performance on Saturday, as the University of Michigan emerged victorious over rival The Ohio State University. Harbaugh praised his team’s effort, now his second straight victory over the Buckeyes, following years of futility.
The scene in the locker room was raucous. Players chanted Coach Harbaugh’s name, hoisting him on their shoulders, which was only the beginning of the festivities. Harbaugh is well known for the khaki pants he dons on the sideline. In recognition of his team’s incredible performance, Harbaugh stated “Men, this is how a real Michigan man demonstrates this school’s commitment to the players!” He proceeded to remove his belt, unbuttoned and unzipped the khakis, and exposed the steel studded leather thong undergarment beneath.
The team was spellbound, as Coach Harbaugh then performed a “twerking” dance to legendary band Queen’s anthem “We Are the Champions”. Harbaugh then removed the leather thong, exposing his exceptionally pale posterior, inviting the Wolverine players to “show me some love”. An invitation was then extended to join him in the large communal shower for a group hug celebration. The only requirement was that no clothing was allowed.
The players proceeded to penetrate Harbaugh’s rectum, forming what is commonly referred to as a “train”. Harbaugh repeatedly chanted “This is who Michigan men really are!”, as each player extended his gratitude into the coach’s eagerly awaiting anus.
Michigan is heavily favored to win next week’s Big Ten Conference championship game against the Purdue University Boilermakers. Coach Harbaugh was asked what festivities may be expected, should U of M win the game. “After years of taking Brutus’s Buck Nuts in our ass, we have come to embrace that as part of our identity. I expect every player to behave as a true Michigan Man and ram his tiny pathetic wiener into me to celebrate our momentous season.” Michigan men are known to take it up the ass better than any other collegiate athletic team in the nation. Expect a motivated and bent over Harbaugh next week in the group shower, in the position years of Buckeye ass poundings Michigan has become accustomed to taking and has accepted as its identity.