NEW ORLEANS, LA — A combination of both Amtrak, local, and state officials have deemed a resumption to service on the coast too costly following a conclusion of recent “test runs” between Mobile and New Orleans.
The test runs were cut short after an accident earlier this week near Theodore that involved a vehicle. The Amtrak equipment in the wreck was considered a total loss.
According to the President of the Southern Rail Commission, another issue with the proposed commuter service is that “people drive to way too fucking fast and we [Amtrak] can’t compete!” We sat by I-10 exit 57 with local law enforcement to see if we could support his claim. Lt. Shawn Lattimore with the Ocean Springs Police Department clocked a Nissan Altima on his radar going Mach 1.27 going eastbound in the westbound lanes.
Another comment from the Southern Rail Commission board of directors said “according to our extensive studies, New Orleans Union Passenger Terminal would be the only station stop to possibly bring profits [to Amtrak]. People would come in from Mobile, Pascagoula, or wherever, get shot and die after leaving the terminal, and never buy a return ticket. It’s ridiculous!”
Residents and visitors from all over expressed their outrage over Amtrak’s decision. A tourist from Venezuela, who declined to tell us his name, spoke with one of our reporters in Biloxi. “I was gonna make so much money, ya know? Bringin’ the stuff in, ya feel me?”
Amtrak officials tell us they decline to comment further and to fuck off.