Ernest “Trippi” Congo II has just announced that he plans to run in the 2024 US presidential election. Congo currently acts as the Wilmington, Delaware City Council President. Congo will represent the US National Communist Party. He has announced that his dog, Bubba, will be his running mate. Should he be elected, Bubba will become the first non-human to hold the vice-president title in history, a historic landmark for the US.
Trippi’s platform focuses on three main goals: the integration of embalming instruction into all US public schools, the movement of the US capital to Hooker, Oklahoma, and required attendance to Congo’s Annual Labor Day Cookout for Seniors for all US citizens above the age of 65.
The former basketball semi-star and family funeral home owner’s statement for his followers was “GET THIS F*CKING MICROPHONE OUT OF MY FACE.” He has been repetitively praised by various news sources for his loving, kind personality, and his inspiring enthusiasm for funeral work. Sources close to Congo have reported on his deeply poetic tendencies. He once stated that “sometimes, when I have my eyes closed, I can’t see anything.” Trippi and his campaign advisor both declined to comment on the deeper meaning of this statement.
Personally, we are rooting for Trippi, because he promised us all free funerals at Disneyland if he wins. Vote Trippi 2024!
Please note, we have just received word that Trippi’s message was meant for our intern, Jeff, who was indeed holding the microphone in Trippi’s face. Jeff has been seriously reprimanded, but due to staffing shortages, we are waiting to fire him until someone better comes along