America’s favorite coffee shop will be closing the doors of nearly all 15,000 locations within the next two months. The news was announced by Starbucks CEO, Laxman Narasimhan, during a press conference on the morning of April 1st. Narasimhan explained to reporters that this move is a direct result of the union strikes that have been happening. He called it an ‘uno reverse card’ and laughed, saying “they [workers] can’t form unions if the stores aren’t open anymore”. When asked by a reporter how Americans are supposed to get by without their daily dose of caffeine, the CEO shrugged and said “McDonalds’ is still open.”