In a surprising turn of events, a 21-year-old college student from Berlin has been awarded the title of “Greasiest Human Alive.” The award, which recognizes exceptional levels of grossness and bodily excretions, was presented to the young man in a ceremony held in his dorm room.
The recipient, whose identity is being kept confidential for obvious reasons, was described by the judges as a “veritable oil slick of human flesh.” He is known to spend most of his waking hours without a shirt, revealing a forest of hair that covers his entire body. His favorite pastime is peeing in cups and leaving them in his room, much to the dismay of his roommates.
In addition to his impressive collection of bodily fluids, the winner is also known for his constant coughing and hacking, which results in the frequent expulsion of thick, phlegmy loogies. His roommates report that they have to dodge these projectiles on a daily basis, and have even resorted to wearing protective gear when entering his room.
Despite his many unpleasant habits, the young man was praised by the judges for his dedication to his studies. He is currently studying in Berlin, where he can often be found rising at 3 PM and settling in for a long day of war movies and Cheetos.
When asked how he felt about winning the award, the greasy champion simply shrugged and said, “I guess all those years of not showering finally paid off.” He then proceeded to wipe his greasy hands on his shirt, leaving a streak of oil in his wake.
Despite the shock and horror of his fellow students, the greasy champion seems to be taking his newfound fame in stride. He has already begun planning his next project: a documentary chronicling the life of the greasiest humans throughout history. We can only imagine the horrors that lie in store for us.