Are you sure your pop-tarts are good? Food professionals and critics around the world are currently hailing cinnamon roll pop-tarts as “the worst flavor of all time.” We interviewed professional food critic James Sahwitt to get his thoughts on the snack packs themselves.
“For fucks sake, the damn thing looks like the cancerous wart growing on my grandma’s back right after grandpa Jake bukkaked her spine. Agh, god.”
Upon being presented with the pop-tarts themselves, the “cinnamony” aroma was quickly overcome with an extreme feeling of dread by James, who couldn’t help but compare the visuals to graphic sex scenes involving his late grandmother. Upon taking a bite, he continued.
“Jesus, this is the saddest thing I’ve ever tasted. It’s like eating a stale cinnamon roll from the bottom of the bread basket you forgot you ordered while shitfaced on a Thursday night. It immediately takes me back to college afterparties, which were arguably the worst part of those things, next to the beer keg.”
We tried to have James continue with his review, but shortly after his second bite, he began begging us to either remove him, or the pop-tarts from the room. Our journalists were shocked to see just how much trauma a single treat can inflict. Our scientists quickly separated both James and the apparatus, quickly dispatching it at the local Wal-Mart dumpster.
Upon asking James for a final conclusion on the sweet snack, his only closure was that they are “not good.”