Dr. CaseOh, a beloved Twitch streamer, decided to check his weight on his scale one day. One foot mounted the electronic scale and then went on the other.
The scale read:
“Please save me.” Promptly, CaseOh’s lower body fell through the Earth, and his upper body supported his weight, like a whale in a tiny tub.
A crane service, Adhiyaman Cranes, was called to pull him out. A small goblin, baby Advik, was trusted to operate the large crane. He was wearing a hard hat and goggles, and he entered the scene.
“I got you buddy.” Advik lowered the hook of the crane and latched Caseoh’s pants. However, there was not enough give, and his pants were ripped, leaving the doc in the nude, looking like a blob of skin tone. Caseoh was furious. He garnered the strength to lift himself out of the hole and tried to climb the crane. He fell and when he hit the ground, he caused earthquakes throughout the world, and also caused Advik to fall from the safety of his machine.
Advik tried to 200 pump caseoh, but the bullets bounced off the beast, and Advik was knocked to his knees.
“Suck it.”
“What?”
“Suck it.”
Advik refused. He couldn’t put himself to put do it. In response, Advik felt a huge gust of wind. It was Caseoh’s vacuum of a mouth. He flew into Caseohs mouth. He was swallowed, but caseoh was still hungry.
In Bergen County Academies, Agent N. Ved (pseudonym due to off-field issues) sat at lunch with his peers. Ben Neibart, his mortal enemy sat across from him. Tension was palpable.
There are a few key words that would erupt into tension. Nalin, Bitch, and Fein were just a few. Ben chose the first one.
“Agent N, I heard Nalin—”
That was it. Agent N had just purchased a full school lunch, including an apple. He winded up, and hurled the apple at Ben’s head. Upon impact, Ben’s head exploded.
“200.” The Agent softly moaned.
That sparked a raging food fight. Every single person (except Dev, who was hoarding his goods) started hurling lunches. Anjan opened up the pockets of flab in his stomach, and pulled out a full cream pie and chucked it, aiming for Neil, but it flew over his head, over the balcony, right into the face of none other than BG.
“Ughhhhhh…” With the pie covering her/his face, BG could not see, but she licked the creamy substance off her stache.
“Mmm… pie.” BG let out a roar and got on all fours, and started crawl-running across the cafeteria, exemplifying the common saying, “Don’t give BG pie.”
But just then, the ground started to quake. The wall of the lunchroom broke open like the Kool-Aid man, and Caseoh walked in. He started sucking up kids (pause), including Advik’s dearest brother, Chubs. He assumed he could finish everyone in 5 minutes, but he didn’t account for the Gonz. Fueled by pie (along burgers, pizza, glizzys, and various car parts), BG stood up, and it looked like the sequel to Godzilla vs. Kong.
They let out primal roars, and charged at each other. They collided, causing “Big Bang V2” to trend on Twitter. Analysts predict the force of the impact was heard from as far as NigJing China. Caseoh’s force was powerful, but no match for Kong.
The dust settled, and cheer erupted.
“Lard, Lard, Lard!” was chanted throughout the school, a memory that will last forever. BG stood there victorious and impulsively ate Agent N. Ved. She attempted a crowd surf, and flattened a few in the process.
BG saved the world, but Bergen County is still left with a Caseoh-sized path, that will leave many struck with poverty for generations. We mourn the victims of the Great Lard Duel, but we celebrate the heroism that BG displayed on this day.