Spark. There is a spark within all the freshmen, excited to attend the prestigious Bergen County Academies high school. These spark leaders try to bring out the spark in all of these young boys and girls, and some even try to stick it in (Anjan). All spark leaders are tasked with giving advice. They all have their own unique specialties and areas of expertise. BG’s passion seems to lie within the cafeteria.
What seemed like a normal tour of the school suddenly took a turn on the date of August 29th, when Bella Gonzalez was tasked with showing the freshman around the school. As she received her group, her attention was immediately caught by a young black boy by the name of Da’biggest, eyes innocent.
As she showed the freshman around the school, she began to get more and more touchy with Da’biggest. In a recent interview, fellow spark leader Ryan Kwon mimicked, “Stawpppp playin’ with me lil boy,” as she allegedly brushed his shoulder with flirtatious intent. This was taken even further, however, as the group approached the infamous gender-neutral bathroom.
Freshman, Gopasloppytoppy Gockkumar, recapped, “She asked him if he needed to use the restroom, and when he said yes she insisted on assisting him. And what I heard next, I will never be able to forgive myself for letting that happen.”
According to multiple accounts, she proceeded to act out her favorite Camp Getaway memory and even took it a step further when she told him to lie flat and got on top.
“Boooooommmm!” her clap echoed through the entire tri-state area with her nose like Dr. Doofenshmirtz as she made her one-centimeter vertical up on his shaft and slid down as fast as a life-sized Tonka truck driving off the Burj Khalifa.
Da’biggest has never been the same since, taking up a build similar to that of Flat Stanley, and earning his new nickname of Da’flattest. Experts advise not to touch him, as he can give you a cut similar to that of a paper cut.
This is far from the end of this tragedy of a day, however, as the group now came up on BG’s favorite spot in the school: the cafeteria. The spark in her eyes can be compared to the illuminating reflective flash from her wide surface area, as she stepped foot and took in the aroma of her favorite foods. Her eyes shot between the cookies and the ice cream sandwiches, the highlight of her 20-course daily school lunch (or snack for her standards). She expressed, “I could eat 1000 cookies right now,” when a boulder-like behemoth arose from the corner of the cafeteria.
“I could eat 1001,” he challenged. It was the man. The myth. The legend. CaseOh.
“I could eat 1002,” she fired back. It. was. on.
The many freshmen quickly arrived at the cafeteria to watch this monumental showdown. The cookies were lined up one by one, and they were ready to store this delicious treat in the vast storage space in their stomachs. The ground rumbled as they walked to their designated location, ready to take each other on. Fat vs Fatter, competing for the title of Fatter.
They began stuffing their faces full of these rich cookies, filled with sugar and chocolate chips. “I had never seen anything like it,” one freshman by the name of Wut di Fuq explained as he reminincsed on their greatness.
As CaseOh came up on cookie number 999, two away from the last 1000th cookie, he began to slow down. BG was close behind on number 998, but the dawg in her began to show as she sped up, eating all three final cookies in one seamless bite.
So while BG may have technically been declared the winner, CaseOh seemed to come out as the real winner, diagnosed with a less severe form of Diabetes following this event. The school was left in poverty, unable to pay back the tremendous amount of cookies that were eaten. And the entire tri-state area, and especially “Da’flattest” were left devastated.